Why am I still single? This is a question many singles struggle with and something I personally used to ask myself time and time again over several years. Especially after comments like:
“I can’t believe your single!”
“don’t lie, you must have someone tucked away.”
” I bet you have them lining up at your door step”
Whether it’s pity, disbelief or care they are showing; it’s awkward. Its awkward because it causes that same niggling question to surface again… “is there something wrong with me?” To busy to read? Download it on itunes: https://itunes.apple.com/bo/podcast/love-talk-with-nicola-beer/id1080909295?l=en
The first thing is to recognise that you are amazing regardless of your status. You don’t need someone else to validate this
Want to know why so many people struggle with finding incredible relationships?
No… it’s not because there aren’t any good women or men left out there,
or because they are in the wrong city, profession, or wrong time in their life.
And it’s definitely not because the kind of love and relationship they want doesn’t exist.
The 3 main reasons people struggle is because:
1, They’re ambivalent. That is they say they want a relationship, yet are secretly happy to be single. This was me for years, I could write a book on this alone:)
2, Limiting Beliefs – They don’t believe this is possible for them (especially after a divorce or a long dry spell)
3, They haven’t understood that finding love is about being both persistent and patient
I will now explain more about each of these and some tips to set yourself up to win at the end.
So, why am I still single?!
Ambivalence can be hard to spot, it takes a GREAT deal of self-awareness. An ambivalent person may say they want a relationship (and mean it), they may go on numerous dates, try an online dating site, yet either consciously or unconsciously they wonder
- Why am I still single?
- Am I better off single?
- Will it limit my career?
- Will I be miserable?
- Will I compromise too much?
- Will I be too vulnerable?
- Will I lose my freedom?
- Is love even worth it?
Ambivalent relationship seekers want Love BUT only if that ALSO means they can
- Avoid pain
- Hold on to their lifestyle
- Keep their freedom
- Achieve their career goals
- Not spend any extra money
- Stay in control
It’s where you do want romance and love and yet value something else equally or more. As the values compete, they sabotage anything that get’s in the way – like a relationship.
I would set up dates, then either cancel them or when they got cancelled would be secretly happy because that would mean I can get on with “my stuff” other stuff that I loved to do.
Coaching many individuals through this I often find the same competing values, it’s either business, career, athletic goals and lifestyle habits.
Those that are aware of their own patterns, make statements like
- I’ve met some great men / women, but maybe I can do better.
- I’m ready to commit, but I’m not willing to stop doing…
- I want to be married, but I’m terrified of it going wrong again
- I’m concerned that the sacrifices won’t be worth it
When ambivalence is unconscious it can be even more difficult to spot it’s sabotaging ways
If you find yourself:
- Ending relationships before they even had a chance to flourish
- Using your career, business or children as an excuse to not be more involved
- Going to great lengths to protect your freedom
There is a chance you are ambivalent and are unintentionally ruining your chances. Awareness is the first step in change, so congratulate yourself for being aware. Now let’s look at the second thing that gets in many singles way Limiting Beliefs.
2, LIMITING BELIEFS
If you whole-heartedly want a relationship and haven’t had much success, it can often be down to your beliefs.
Our beliefs create our reality. If you believe that you will never find the right person or that you’re too old, fat, tall, short, poor, successful, out-going, quiet, busy….(or any other excuse you tell yourself) then that can become your reality. Many women and men after divorce think that they will never find love again.
Becoming aware of our Unconscious Beliefs and changing them is key to finding someone, it’s an area I address in all my coaching. The deeper rooted they are, the more they will interfere with our conscious desire for love and connection.
The power of this is summed up beautifully by Mahatma Gandhi:
“A human being is but the product of his thoughts what he thinks, he becomes.”
|“Your beliefs become your thoughts
Your thoughts become your words
Your words become your actions
Your actions become your habits
Your habits become your values
Your values become your destiny”
A lady I worked with was struggling constantly with the ‘why am I still single?” question. She had the belief that “all men will leave you for younger women eventually” and had that experience 3 times. Several men in my program believe all women want is money from them and they seem to attract that. Other women believe men only want one thing and get that experience. What we believe becomes our reality, so we need to know what our beliefs around relationships are.
If you think limiting beliefs are ruining your chances, get in touch and let’s discuss how to break the cycle.
3, LACK OF PERSISTENCE AND/ OR PATIENCE
The way to successfully achieve any goal, be it financial, career or physical is to
1, Know exactly what you want
2, Take consistent action to get there
3, Be in a state of desiring NOT Needing it
Finding a relationship is no different! Yet very few singles are willing to keep going when they experience a disappointment or don’t get results in a few weeks or months. What happens is they give up.
Finding love requires a balance of patience, persistence
Patience without persistence is often laziness, procrastination or ambivalence
Persistence without patience can easily lead to desperation, panic, anxiety, despair and neediness. Whenever we get to a point of needing something we push it away.
The right combination of persistence and patience leads to results, especially when you also set yourself up to win.
SETTING YOURSELF UP TO WIN
Below is a checklist of questions to help you on the path to finding love, the more you can answer yes the better, if no… think about you answer.
Do you know the type of person you want and don’t want?
Are you clear on the lifestyle you want to have and share together?
Have you got a strategy to increase your chances for meeting them?
Do you feel confident in yourself and can you act confidently without over doing it?
Have you got a list of interesting topic areas ready to talk about for the first few dates? That don’t include work, ex’s or domestic duties?
Online dating – Do you know the best to be on for you? Are you familiar with the do’s and don’ts?
Are you prepared emotionally for dating?
Match making firms – have you researched and selected a reputable one?.
The search for love doesn’t have to be a struggle. If you sincerely want an intimate partner, you are already beyond the toughest hurdle. But if you aren’t’ altogether certain, then you need to take a close look at the issue of ambivalence and how to move beyond it this, this is what I had to do…. Through eliminating inner conflicts and having a solid strategy for getting there, you will be well on your way to finding love. Many find hiring a relationship expert or match making company can help them get there faster. Whichever path you choose meeting someone special can enrich your life and make your fondest dreams come true, so don’t give up.
From my heart to yours Nicola
P.S. Are you struggling constantly with the ‘why am I still single?” question? Selecting a life partner is one of, if not the most important decision you will ever make in your life. Which is why I have created a finding an irresistible partner program. One part includes coaching and the other part includes collaboration with a top UK match making company. That have a strong track record matching men and women from the US and Europe. If you would like to learn more message me and let’s schedule a complimentary 20 minute call to discuss. Add me using my email address or email me directly [email protected]